Hope!

I have to share something with you from Sunday tonight. I don't want to be all preachy, just want to share. This is the perfect outlet so here goes... I went to church on Sunday with my niece and nephew, Sophie, my mom and Aiden. We got the kids dropped at the kids program and we enjoyed a nice but windy walk over to the main building. After we got settled in, I was sitting there thinking about how infrequently my mom and I had been able to worship together over the last few years and with Aiden and Sophie's various medical issues, I was grateful to have mom there with me.

We enjoyed a powerful lesson about Mary and Martha and their different ways of serving the Lord. I came to realize that I have been SOOO Martha. I have thought that for so many weeks now that Sophie might have to undergo chemo that I have been buzzing around making preparations instead of enjoying the moments WITH Sophie. "What if the tests come back positive for more lesions?", I would think. "What if, what if, what if?", and then it dawned on me that I will never be ready for something like chemo... or bad news... ever... So for now, I have decided to take in the moments, each and every one. And, I encourage you to do it too. Hug your kids a little tighter and tell them that you love them every chance you get. In fact tonight, I played the photos that Melissa did for us and put the slide show to Sophie's favorite song lately (Our God, by Chris Tomlin). She was so happy I can't even tell you, it was precious. She was in her pajamas and curled up on my bed with the laptop going, and she kept looking at me with a smile, a wise smile, beyond her nine years.

Rewind to that moment at church, I was free for the first time in a long time to let go... to cry and to worship. I was doing pretty well in fact and was enjoying the lesson and then the music started to play. "In Christ Alone, my hope is found..." and I just lost it. I have sung that song a hundred times in a congregation and as a soloist, and every time it means so much more than the last. I took the bread, dipped it in the cup and sunk at the altar and wept. Quietly at first and then the tears just came. I was alone at the altar because I was behind mom and she didn't see me slip away. Of course, I grabbed a tissue and got up to go back to my seat, and got lost on the way back. Red faced, I wandered through the people and back to the pew. That's what I get for sitting in the front... I was still sobbing when I sat down next to mom, and as the song finished I just knew what I had to do. I had to let go... for the millionth time and let God REALLY take hold of my entire life. ALL of it. I need to be more like Mary, laying my troubles at Jesus' feet and trusting in Him to help and see us through. Because in my heart, I know He will.

You all know by now that this is Sophie's Birthday. I have been overwhelmed and humbled by the kind notes and gifts you have all sent her way the last few weeks as well as some of the amazing things you have all done for us to cheer us up, and see us through this Histo diagnosis and its uncertain aftermath. Tonight, Sophie said that this birthday has been one of her best ever! Though the doctors and I fully believed that she would be on chemo by now, here I sit with no chemo port in my daughter and pray that she will stay chemo-free for just as long as possible.

Tonight after we ate, I snuck up behind her and put a candle in her ice cream and sang Happy Birthday to her. She smiled and got all excited. I also gave her some pink tulips that I found at Kroger as well a card. I realize that it may seem overboard, but I had no idea what today would look like a few months ago, so I'm doing what I learned to do this weekend and take it alllll in!

No one knows what the future holds. There are no real certainties in life. But, one thing my grandmother used to always tell me is that you should never want for anything and be grateful for what you have. So, tonight I am grateful for what I have. A beautiful 9 year old and a precious little boy. Amazing family, a loving boyfriend and friends. And, the kids have both come through so much, and here we are... doing pretty fine. I have a few more gray hairs on my head than I did this time four months ago, but what mom doesn't worry? It kind of comes with the territory, especially when dealing with something as unusual as Histio. We're just going to take it one day at a time. Just one day.

Even through the snotty noses, the headaches, the fever, I can still see tomorrow on the horizon that makes my heart smile. I am sitting here realizing that tomorrow is going to happen for us, and I do understand just how blessed we are, in spite of the challenges we face. For so many people, tomorrow is uncertain. I am blessed that ours is not. I have hope.

It's funny, I never end up blogging about what I set out to talk about. I did find the sermon notes and want to share part of them with you, and I did want to talk about how I savor the little things now, but I also wanted to tell you how blessed I am because of YOU. That's right YOU!!! You are all so amazing to us and such great friends and family I don't know where we'd be without you right now. Thank you thank you thank you!

Goodnight friends,
J