It's so hard not to let worry creep in an paralyze you. Sophie's bump was there originally for three months before we had the first curetage. I pray that it's not growing in size, but rather the swelling and new margins that are there, are just the skull healing from underneath. This thing eats away at her SKULL, people. And it's kind of freaking me out! She's got a 3cm hole in her head and I pray that it's not growing, even though I can feel it and it's margins with my hands and it's about 3cm in width. It used to be a little bump (aka. nodule) that the MRI showed was 1cm and may even be showing signs of self-healing during her last scans in April. Why and how could this disease come back so quickly? It's mind boggling. It's only been a few months since her last scans!!
Please don't misunderstand me, I know God's going to see us through this, just like He has so many times before and I don't doubt him for a second. But, it's gonna be tough if they look us in the eye and tell us she has to have chemo. Very hard... I have read the journeys of many histio warriors and ^^angels^^ who have had to endure chemotherapy and bone marrow transplants and no one would EVER want that for their child EVER! This disease is relentless, non-discriminatory and chemo/steroids and BMT are really the only options if disease starts to run through the system.
And, to all the well-meaning brothers and sisters out there, please don't try to tell me that it's God's will that this is happening to my child. And, if I give you an odd look if you say that to me, please don't be offended... I just don't believe that God would do this to ANY child. ANY CHILD... I think IT IS God's will that we handle it with HIS help. I think IT IS God's will that we be strong. And, I think IT IS God's will that we hold Him close, like the glue that keeps us all from falling apart. I think IT IS God's will that we pray... for the other histio and cancer warriors that we talk to in the forums and that we see at TXCCC every time we go. I think we should pray for healing, for comfort and for peace for all those affected. I love the Lord and I know he will see us through, with the strength of David vs. Golliath. I think this very well could be our Golliath. Maybe we should rename "Ouchie the Bump", Golliath. Maybe we shouldn't have ever given it a name in the first place, but then again denial is no place to be either.
Dear Lord,
Today I am praying for peace and calm for Sophie and myself. I pray for comfort for my fiance as he tries to offer emotional support over the miles. I also want to pray for my mom and dad as they await more test results. God WE KNOW you are here, and will never leave us. Please make it not hurt so bad sometimes, and please help us to find peace in knowing that you are here NOW!
Amen.
Have a good day friends,
J
Jodi, I have been following your blog for a while. I pray for you often and read your updates. Nothing you ever say sounds like 'pity me' or anything of the sort and if people ever say that to you, let it roll off your shoulders for it is just plain ridiculous!
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you remember me from FUMCMC but I was the youth director and had MANY conversations with the kids about the saying "everything happens for a reason." OH OH OH how I hate that saying/statement. I believe God makes good out of all that we experience but I do not believe in a God that causes pain (emotional, physical) on purpose to teach us something. Not my God that gave his Son. Anyway, know that you aren't alone in those sentiments of giving dirty looks to those that might (albeit often well-intentionally) share their confused words of wisdom. I do think that you guys have a lot of Goliath in your world but you have handled it with grace but in a very HUMAN way. Prayers continuing for you and your sweet kiddos. So glad to see you have been blessed with new love in your life as well!