First I want to apologize, I whine about going back and forth to the cancer center with Sophie for her scanning for more Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis, and about how expensive things are getting. I worry about Aiden's issues with Cerebral Palsy, Epilepsy and his immune issue pray for their health. But, all complaining aside, I am so blessed that my children are here... with me. That I even was able to get them here in the first place and that they have survived to see these years that they have seen. They have blessed me beyond compare and have changed me in such a profound way, I will never fully be able to share with them just how much. I feel really guilty about the complaining, though I know it's a natural part of this process from what I have heard. It doesn't make it okay. I just wish to God I could give my friends who have lost loved ones even ONE MORE DAY with their sweet angels.
Today was a day filled with scans as was yesterday. Sophie was a trooper, though it's still really hard to stick her. I really appreciated the fact that she was able to muster up the strength to go through the last few days and I know she's so tired right now. I love her so much and am respecting her more every day for the strength that she is showing me. She keeps telling me that she knows in her heart that the scans will be clear. I pray to God she is right. She's far wiser than her years, she's always been that way.
As we drove to get a bite to eat after her scans (she had fasted all day), she said, "you know mom, I know I'm going to be all right... we both are." She's so smart and intuitive. I know she can tell I was worried. We tried to giggle through the process. I kept looking at her while she was on the PET Scan machine, and she kept saying, "Mom, stop, you're gonna make me wiggle." Priceless...
As far as Aiden is concerned, his bump is a swollen lymph node. Nothing to be concerned about right now, though if it grows or becomes inflamed, we will need to biopsy. As for now, I think I just need to chill and relax, and try to worry a lot less. I think I need treatment for PTSD sometimes because this has all hit me pretty hard. I know God will get us through it, he already is. I could really feel His presence today while we were waiting for the PET Scan. I got this feeling of comfort like even if this isn't the last one of these that we have to do, it will all be okay. She's so strong. And, I think I'm stronger than I thought I was.
As far as Sophie's day, after the scan, she was pretty much back to herself. And, she really wanted to go to swim lessons. So, I helped her get ready and was so proud because she was doing 25's back and forth in the pool. I know she's tired now, but this was awesome to see! Tears came to my eyes because I knew where we had just been... In the middle of cancer patients and kids in wheelchairs, on oxygen and crutches and here my daughter was, well... swimming laps. I watched her in awe as the tears welled up inside and I started to think that this is what well looks like. Even if we have another bridge to cross. Even if she has to have chemo soon, this is what well looks like... for today. Her pink goggles looking up over the side of the pool as she wiped the water from her face and yelled, "Mom, did you see?". I hope she didn't see me crying behind my magazine. Maybe I hope she did, because then maybe then she would know I'm human. Ha... As if there's any doubt in her mind.
We should get the results in the next few days and were told to call Monday if we haven't heard. I am desperately praying that the scans are clear. I know God is going to see us through this no matter what happens!!! God is so amazing and tonight I am putting my faith again, like I do every day, in His hands. Life is so precious, I don't want to let worry cloud me taking every moment for what it is: An absolute GIFT!
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Goodnight friends,
J
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